Miss E Turns Four

It was as if I had tunnel vision: I stared at the clock reading 6:30 am, and that's all I could see. Crowds of nurses and doctors swirled around me as Mr. Kuda held my hand. Pushing wasn't coming easy, and as my gaze slipped from the clock to the doctor's face, I watched his lips quietly move as he spoke to the nurse: We need to get the baby out.

Labor had started nine hours earlier, and I had been pushing for at least two. The details are hazy and filled with oxygen masks, crazy yoga positions, and words of encouragement from practical strangers. They weren't strangers any more: we had survived this night together. Mr. Kuda was so excited he was actually doing a happy dance, filled with part wonder, part excitement, and part sheer exhaustion (and maybe a bit of terror?).

Within an hour, she was screaming. Her cry was sweet and soft, but as the color came to her cheeks, she was handed to me.

"She was holding onto her cord, that stinker. She was holding on for the ride."

If only we had known at the time: we would be the ones holding on for dear life as we became parents for the first time on that blustery Thanksgiving morning. In an instant, we were changed. We were parents.

Miss E, this has been a year of growing in so many ways. You have a heart of gold, your sense of humor surprises me daily, and your soul is wider and deeper than a good amount of adults I've encountered. You make mistakes on purpose, because you like to learn things for yourself. You are so smart, it's scary. You show me how to look at things of this world in different ways, and I love you for it.

Most importantly? Your heart is filled to the brim with a loving kindness so strong, it is awe inspiring. Last night at dinner, you didn't see my napkin in my lap, so you started to rip yours in half so I could have one. Last week, you made sure daddy was OK with me taking the last bite at dinner because you know he loves pasta so much. You don't skip any chance to love on your brother, and you tell me all the things you love about your friends all. the. time.

Miss E, you have rocked our world in more ways than one. You are filled with spice and we never know what we're going to get with you. And we wouldn't change it for anything in this sweet life God has given us.

Heavenly Father, bless this sweet girl of ours on this, her fourth birthday. Lord, we pray she grows courageous, strong, and wise. We pray she loves You always, and that we can show her what a life living for You looks like. Lord, protect her heart, guide her mind, and lead her to show kindness for others always. Amen.

xoxo, k.

**

Y'all, this week has hit me over the head with commitments and turkey. I'm spent! I'd LOVE to get out a post before Thanksgiving, but in case it just doesn't happen, I pray you have a Thanksgiving filled with people you love, good food, and the peace that the holidays should bring. Thirty days until Christmas!

xoxo, k.

Five Minute Friday: Turn

Every week, a whole heap of fabulous women get together and write for Five Minute Friday. Today's prompt is...

Turn

Go.

The sun shone brightly as we ran through the cool morning breeze. She turned away from me as we dodged the lower lying tree limbs, and giggled. She reached back to me as we went, but as my hand grasped to feel her tiny smooth fingers, my own fingers moved through hers as if she were a ghost. And then she was gone.

I woke up to my heart thumping in my ears, the fear of losing Miss E somewhere in the woods haunting me deep down to the bottom of my soul. And as I sat up to catch my breath, I realized almost immediately what the dream had meant in that moment.

She's getting older. A little braver. A little more ready to walk a few feet in front of or behind us. As her fourth anniversary on this earth creeps up on us, I can sense her independence growing. Her want to figure things out on her own. I am so so proud of her, but my heart aches for this very moment. This time that feels like a tipping point of sorts, teetering on the old and new, the young and old, on the brave and not quite so sure.

Stop.

Though she be but little, she is fierce!

Oh, this girl of ours. She's done quite a number on me, and we haven't even gotten to the hard stuff. Hope y'all are enjoying your Friday evening!

xoxo, k.

What I'm Doing For My Summer Vacation

Y'all. It is our very first real summer in the Kuda household. Miss E finished up her first year of preschool, and starting today, Summer vacay is on!

In that, I'm finding all of these summer bucket lists, and then reading how we're ruining our children by not letting them run free. These are all in the same newsfeed as an article telling me how I should micromanage every single moment of summer to make sure it's the BEST. SUMMER. EVER.

Oy vey.

Being the Type A person that I am, I had even gone as far as preparing activities to do with each of the kiddos, by theme, switching them up every other week. Further, I had scoped out every free program, library class, and play date to keep ourselves busy through the summer months.

And then I regained my sanity and decided how we're going to do summer this year. And that's how I came up with...

Throw away the schedule.

Not like when we have quiet time or Mr C's nap. Or heck, I'm not really going to change bedtime. But you know what? The library class can wait. Miss E wakes up every morning, asks what day it is, then asks me, "What do we do on ____?" And the answer, aside from vacation weeks, has been the same each and every week day since September. The only things we will stick to as far as the kiddos are concerned are the classes we have already paid for, which will only go through June, and the two week-long camps Miss E is signed up for (and let's be honest, who wouldn't want to go to a Princess Ballet Camp? That's what I thought.). Not only am I throwing the schedule away, I'm throwing the ball into their court. That being said...

Try to say "yes" more. Yes to "Mommy can we have dessert for snack?" And Yes to, "Mommy can we paint with chalk?" And Yes to, "Mommy can we go on a car adventure?" I got that one the other day. Yes, honey, we can.

"Mommy, can we go for a walk in our pjs?

Read more books.

This Spring I ended up reading more books than I have in the past year. They were really good (Highs included Something other than God, Surviving Motherhood, and I jumped on the The Fault In Our Stars bandwagon. Worth the hype.), and I just feel like I'm starting to get my cognitive groove back after having E and C. A couple I have my eyes on are Dinner: A Love Story and What Alice Forgot. There are others, but I'm not making any lofty goals this summer. And that brings me to...

Don't make any lofty goals.

I have started umpteen crafty crafts for the new house, and none of them are complete. It's driving me bonkers. And while I do think there's something to said for a little list to help a girl get going (you'll see more of that on an upcoming post), I'm not going to fret this summer about them. Projects will get done, pictures will get hung, walls will be painted. Eventually.

Go outside. A lot.

I'm finding the more time we spend outside, the more time I get to see the kiddos do things they wouldn't necessarily do by themselves. Mini hikes in the woods behind the house, scavenger hunt for critters, etc. They pushed rocks in our driveway with miniature rakes for forty-five minutes this afternoon. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES. And later? Miss E told me her favorite time of today was playing with rocks with Mr. C. Go figure.

And there you have it. Nothing epic. Nothing earth-shattering. We will relax this summer, and leave the rigorous schedule for later.

Until next time,

Mrs. Kuda

The After Mommy

Have you encouraged a mom today? You can't imagine the blessing she receives when you do! Tell a mom she's awesome on this sweet Mother's Day :)

~~~~~

What happens when they leave? When the hallways and bedrooms are silent? No more screaming my turn or he won't share or tears needing the only kiss that will heal... No more middle of the night cuddle sessions or stay-up-lates because it's summer...

What happens when I can't sit still because I've spent the past twenty years running myself ragged trying to give them the good life? To lead by example? To raise them up in the way they should go? What happens after all of the hard stuff? What happens after the little voices calling out mommy disappear?

When I was eighteen, I made a decision. I didn't want to ever go back home. Ever. I was ready for my own time. My mom says that was the sign that she'd done it right. That she's raised me up in the way I should go. I was ready, and I went.

And apart from one summer, I never went back. She taught me how to land on my own two feet, regardless of how far I'd fallen. She taught me to turn that frown upside down and get on with it. She taught me what it meant to work harder tha hard to get what I want. She taught me to work even harder for my family.

Even though our lives could not have been more different. Even though she wasn't always given the best situations, my mom persisted. She never left. She was always there. Always.

I'll never forget the day I left for Boston. I had been living by myself for three years at this point, but she was still an ever present force in my daily life. I (my brother-in-law) had sold my (her) car, and had packed everything I owned in a friend's pickup truck to make the 17 hour trek (which turned into 24 due to torrential downpours all the way up) from Atlanta to Boston. We met at a Starbucks, and each got our usual latte. I had cut my long ballerina mane into a short pixie, and as she cried claiming she was devastated for the loss of my "beautiful hair" (This is partly true. She still talks about it.), I knew this was it. This was the beginning of the rest of my life.

And she let me go. Because that's what moms do. They do everything humanly possible they are able; the gutwrenching-feels-impossible-to-make-it-another-day part of motherhood just to get to that very moment. And they let go.

She let me go when my dreams of becoming a ballerina persisted into my college years. When I left the cozy, small town safety of a small women's college in exchange for the big city not knowing what lay ahead. When I called her up and said, "I'm going to be a Speech-Language Pathologist! And the only school I got into is in Boston!" And she let me go when I was engaged to a man she hardly knew, aside from the way I spoke about him. The way I knew he was different than the others.

Mom, I don't know how you did it. I want to hold these babies so close it hurts. I don't want to ever let them go.  I don't want these hallways to go silent, for them to move on. But I do want this: I want them to grow to be independent, but dependent on the Lord. I want them to live with purpose even when they don't know what their purpose is. And I want them to love me as much as I love you.

You've taught me all of those things mom. Thank you for being the perfect mom for me.

Happy Mother's Day, xoxo, k.

We're Grumpy (aka, mommy fail)

Today was just one of those days. Daylight Savings Time has totally screwed with the Kudas in a not so fun way. I should've expected it at some point, but I'm just going to go ahead and say it: I totally deserved it.

"Mommy, I'm grumpy."

For some reason, the loss or addition of an hour has never impacted us as far as the kiddos are concerned. If you'll recall, Miss E has always been a good sleeper, and to be quite honest, Mr. C isn't as good, but he's better than most. And why do I deserve the sudden punishment of all h*!! breaking loose in our house?

Because every time a mom told me how awful the time change was for her kids, on the outside I was providing a comforting (and knowing?) nod, while on the inside all I could think was, I am so awesome. My kids would never have this problem. Yup. Full disclosure: I was smug. I should have been thinking, I have the best kids in the world and am soooooooo lucky this hasn't impacted us!

Long story short, the past two days have sucked. And the worst part about this is the realization I had while waiting for Miss E to procrastinate as she went number two on the potty for THRITY-FIVE MINUTES after bedtime: I'm the problem here, not the change in time (though I have to say, our schedule is totally wack-a-doo right now because of it). When momma is grumpy, the clan is grumpy. Today was not my best. I was a short-fused, nay-saying, voice-raising hot mess. NO. I don't want you to climb on me and lick my face. NO. I don't want to hold you and your brother while both of you scream in my ears. And NO. Screaming in a banshee voice while also crying and waking your brother up will not afford you the chance to watch Mickey Mouse Club. Ever.

But while I sat there in the dark (per her request) while Miss E went potty, she told me, "Mommy is grumpy like Miss E." Yup. I sure was.

So after we cleaned up, I apologized. Which if you know me, is really hard for me to do, even if it's to a two year old. But shouldn't she know that even grown-ups make mistakes? And isn't it my job to teach her that, even when you have a really bad day and you take it out on people you love, you still have to apologize and own up to your actions?

Once again, the toddler teaches me more about life in five minutes than I've learned in thirty something years.

And by the way, I promise to NEVER be the smug momma again. I PROMISE! This daylight savings time change thingy is no joke.

Until next time,

Mrs. Kuda

Breaking up is hard to do...

Especially if it's your toddler's afternoon nap. Insert loud exasperated sigh here.

Miss E has been a stellar sleeper in general, and really an easy baby altogether.  For ages she took a 1-2 hour nap in the morning and a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon. Around 15 months she dropped that morning nap, and typically slept at least 2 hours in the afternoon. It's dwindled a bit recently, but still gave me at least an hour and a half in the afternoon to do some housework and catch up on me time.

In December, Miss E started fighting bed. HARD. It was awful. Sometimes she would wake up screaming every hour, and that was after two hours of going down. My newborn and my toddler had switched places, sleep-wise.

I believe several things contributed to our sleep downslide. For one, Mr. C and Miss E now share a bedroom.  They co-exist pretty well, and it's clear that Mr. C will be the kid that falls asleep anywhere, any time. You would, too if the first 4 months of your life you spent falling asleep to the screaming shrills of a two year old sibling. Just saying.

Then I think potty training became a factor. She's a thinker, and I think she may have inherited my awesome trait of over thinking everything. I know how fortunate we are to have the whole potty training thing go smoothly, but it was impacting her sleep. As a dear friend said, "Mrs. Kuda, you've got to take the burden off of her!" And she was right. I told Miss E not to worry if there was an accident, that we would have a "just in case diaper" on. And it worked! Problem solved. Side note: we've since ditched the night time diaper. It served a purpose for a few weeks. We've moved on.

Until about a month ago. One day, she just decided she wasn't going to nap. What the what? What about MY ALONE TIME. When do I get to regain my sanity to get through the rest of the day? So I relate this to a good friend of mine, and she looked at me and said, "Sounds like it's over. You need to be ok with that."

Don't you just love having girlfriends that can bring you back to reality in a loving way? I honestly have no idea what I'd do without them.

So? No nap. Sigh.

So many things have happened as far as Miss E growing up this past few months. Heck, even in the past few weeks she's grown tremendously. She's a little girl now, not a baby. She can go potty by herself, and now no napping? She speaks to me in full sentences, and is starting to really shine as her own independent human. She even named her new baby doll without any influence on my part. Her name is Clara, and I have no idea where she got that name. Sigh.

So today I told her that we were going to try something new. "Miss E, we are going to have quiet time. It's ok that you don't sleep, but mommy needs quiet time just like you do. I'm going to work, and when it's time, you and mommy can play together again."

And she read. For thirty minutes, she read. And when she told me she was finished, I asked her to put her books back in the book basket, and she didn't feel like it so she read some more.

I wish you could be here next to me, so you
could hear her whispering to Clara.
So sweet.

It didn't go perfectly. But she's so big. And I think it's time. I also think it's important that she see me do other things that don't relate to her. So right now, while I do this, she's doing this:

She has work to do, too.

 And this:

Clara's hungry, mommy. You go work. I'll feed the baby.

And for a few minutes (just a few), this:

Just a little rest...

I'm not sure what I was so afraid of. I'm sure we'll have our ups and downs as far as "quiet time" goes, but it's time I let Miss E grow up, even if it's just a little bit, and move on.

Until next time,

Mrs. Kuda


Thanks to Carrie for cluing me in that it may be time to set different rules in our house in the afternoon. You're awesome!