My Wrestling Place

I recently took a bit of a respite trip to a magical place where peace is woven in and out of the fibers of the walls. Where God resides in the hearts of all who enter, and where I rediscovered my life-giving gifts from our Father Almighty. Thank you for letting me reflect on those days in this space.

I'm not where I thought I would be.

Mother? Yes.

Wife? Yes.

Friend? Daughter? Neighbor? Yes. All of those things.

What I didn't expect was this floundering of my soul; this anticipation of being great, or accomplishing something amazing, and then waking up every morning to find that the earth hasn't shattered because of the accomplishments in my life. I didn't change the world today. Nobody noticed my completed tasks. Each morning the sun comes up, and I find myself on repeat. Nothing changed. Same routine.

And that's the problem: my childhood perceptions of what my life should be are so far from where I have ended up. It's not necessarily that I had some grand vision of what it would look like, but rather, what it would feel like.

Kristin Kuda. Mid-life crisis at the age of 34.

It comes down to feeling so small and insignificant in this world -- a world filled with evil and pain and heartache -- that I have such a hard time recognizing my worth. The enormity of these things take over, and those roles as mother, wife, friend, daughter? Well, they just don't seem as big...

Because the hillside I'm overlooking is grand, and the thunder of pouring rain consumes my every thought.  Our Holy Father is revealed in every living and breathing thing around me, and my enemy sneaks into the ripples of water coursing down the roof as he whispers, "You'll never be as significant as these things."

I believe him, because the monotony of my life feels like nothing close to the glorious sound of rain and birds and earth surrounding me. And right before I am wholly consumed by it all -- the nothingness and monotony and the insignificance -- a breeze blows from the West and I hear His call:

Peace be with you.

Peace be with you.

He says it twice because I didn't believe it the first time. He says it twice because I am but flesh and bone and broken and sinful. I believed the enemy when he told me I didn't matter, and I believed the enemy when he said my purpose wasn't God-breathed. And I believed him when he told me my soul was impure and would never truly be forgiven.

But, God.

But God is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from every wrong doing. (1 John 1:8-9)

But, God.

But God has made a covenant with us and has put His laws in our hearts, and has written them in our minds. (Heb 10:15-16)

But, God.

But God has given me a Spirit not of timidity, but of power, and of love, and of self-discipline. (2 Tim 1:7)

So, instead of feeling small, and unworthy and insignificant in this large, all consuming world, I will cling to the prayer Paul blessed upon us:

...that your love may increase ever more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, to discern what is of value, so that you may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes to you through Jesus Christ, for the glory and praise of God. (Phil 1:9-11)

Faith is a confidence in God that persists, even when the questions remain unanswered.

Faith trusts God even when circumstances seem to contradict His promises.

Faith rests firmly on the knowledge that God is faithful and His promises are True. God asks only for our obedience and faithfulness to assure our usefulness in our own period of history. In this, He gives us freedom to act on our life-giving gifts, freedom to see the beauty in the mundane, freedom to live our lives fully, regardless of our preconceived notions and idyllic plans.

I see now: the beauty of it all, the power of normal, and the beauty in routine.

xoxo, K.

**
Sharing with all the ladies on this Monday! Check out some beautiful writing here.

Five Minute Friday: Adore

Every week, a whole heap of fabulous women get together and bravely write for Five Minute Friday, and it's the last prompt of the 2014! Today's prompt is...Adore

Go.

It's been a rough few weeks. Blatant disobeying and bursts of entitlement of a certain four year old have put me in a pre-Christmas funk I can't seem to shake off. The decorations are brilliantly displayed, the cookies baked, and almost all some a couple of the gifts are wrapped. But my heart... Well, my heart just hasn't been in it.

After the sobs of said four year old brought my fatigued self into her room for the FOURTH time last night (due to her mourning of a lost toy from her antics the day before), I found myself staring out of my bedroom window: silent tears streaming down my cheeks, wondering where I've gone wrong, questioning my parenting skills, and begging for an answer from High Above.

Within the deep dark sky, something caught my eye: a single shining star high above, with mere white specks among it. For weeks I have been racking my brain to the solution of my woes, when God did His thing (once again), and smacked me over the head with His own desire: Come a bit closer, Kristin. Adore Me.

Something about the missteps of the past few weeks had gotten me off course. My head knows the true reason for this sweet anticipation of our Lord's first coming in the flesh and blood of a baby boy, but my heart had lost its way and found itself caught up in the "why me" and "so much to do" and "there's not enough time." Seeing this sweet star in the heavens above in the early hours of this morning gave me the reminder I needed: the one reason we are here, we celebrate, we adore.

Stop.

Well, it's Saturday, and not Friday, but I still feel the need to click "Publish." Because God's drum beats on a different time zone than the rest of us, and I don't think it's an accident that brightly shining star caught my eye last night. From my family to yours, may your days be Merry and Bright, and may you find the time in the rush of these coming days to stop, be still, and adore our sweet Savior in swaddling cloth. Merry Christmas, sweet friends!

xoxo, k.

Perspective: Giving Thanks {Three}

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It started with Mr. C. I really hate to put blame on any one person, especially my son, but it's true: His inability to sleep got the ball rolling.

Just over two years ago, eight weeks into his little life, one thing became quite apparent: He was not a good sleeper. The less he slept, the more I felt the walls of our two bedroom duplex crowd around us. Poor Miss E dealt with the consequences of waking up every two or so hours each night very well, better than any two year old should be asked. But by the end of 2012, it was very clear that our current living situation would not work.

Or at least, that's what I had convinced myself to believe.

Over the next eight months, I obsessed over "the new house." Whatever that meant. In my mind, the notion of the new house solved all of my problems. Somehow I had been lured into the sentiment that, because we would be able to put the kiddos in separate rooms, I would get more sleep. Somehow giving the kids their own rooms morphed into more sleep for me, which meant more happiness for me, which meant I would have more energy to be the best mom ever, which meant I would be the best wife ever, which meant...

Do you see where I went there?

The thing about thankfulness, is that it often has no merit unless given the proper perspective. My perspective was so warped by the time we moved to the rental house in August of 2013, I had forgotten the original source of it all. Deep down (somewhere), I knew the real reasons for moving: so we could have a simpler life, so I could continue to stay home with the kids, to offer them the life that we wanted them to have. But the appreciation for what we had already had all but slipped through my well-rested fingers, and I felt lost.

Loss for friendships, loss for familiarity, loss for my true identity.

Slowly, but surely, I climbed my way out of the hole that I had dug. What helped me?

Thankfulness. In the every day, boring minutiae of the wash, rinse, repeat life I had come to know.

I miss my friends.
God, thank you for those enduring friendships. Thank you for the joy I had each time we were together, and thank you for giving me courage to meet new friends and pursue deep relationships. Because of those women, I know what true friendship is.

I'm lonely.
Thank you for my husband, Lord. Thank you for the comic relief he gives me every day, and the companionship You know I need. Thank you for the joy he gives to our family day in and day out.

Our house isn't what I want it to be.
Thank you for warmth, and a roof over our heads. Thank you for all of your provisions as our house was built. Thank you for a yard our children can safely play in. 

I miss being around adults during the day, and being the only one who can fulfill their needs just wears. me. down.
Thank you for a dedicated husband and the wonderful job he has so that I can stay home during these young years in our children's lives. 

Thank you, God,  for being the only One who can fulfill our needs. And not the needs we think we ought to have, but the needs you know we must have. Like joy. And peace. And contentment.

And you see what I did there? Perspective.

Feeling discontent? Find thanks in it. Even if it's small. Even if it's hard. You'll be amazed at the outcome, and I promise you this: you will find joy even in the smallest of things.

xoxo, k.

Hooking up with some amazing inspiration on this Monday! Head on over!

Fall Decor Preview (Review?)

I'm aware that it's mid-November. Honestly, the fall decor in this house has been creeping in since mid-September. But there was this little project called 31 Days that kind of took over my life, which meant that all things ceased to exist so I could actually complete it!

My crafty craft desires have been going crazy, though, and poor Mr. Kuda has dealt with the repercussions of this: gold ribbon and sparkly pumpkins showing up in various places around our house. The need for "more garland!" and him constantly hearing, "I just don't think we have enough pumpkins."

And then we decided to host Thanksgiving, and it's pretty much sent me into overdrive, decorating wise.  But I love it, so I thought I'd share some of it with you :)

Just to keep things real, as we are in the constant pursuit of conquering perfectionism in these parts, I thought I'd share what my living room looked like last night, as I finished editing the photos for this post...

There. Feel better?

I should also note, that everything, excluding the live pumpkins, I bought on sale, or already had in my house. The total for all decor was under $40. For a whole season. Win.

Let's start outdoors, shall we? I think it's safe to say I have a healthy obsession with both wreaths, and pumpkins...

A toddler may have been trying to escape. Hence, opening door.
Let's just pretend that it's closed, yes?

For a tutorial on felt flowers, check out my spring wreath where I give some nice details to achieve this look. Love me some felt.

Inside, here's a wreath that started out like this:

And ended up like this:

Nothing a little burlap and acorns from the yard can't fix.

Three bucks at Target, friends. Three dollars.

Above our mantel, we have our television. And while I'm not 100% sold on the fact that it should be there, it is, so we work with it.  Using some garland from our local craft store, I recreated something I found from Pier 1 (for $30 a piece!) in these:

They cost me less than $1 each, and they serve some great texture next to the big 'ole flat screen.

The pumpkin brigade continues throughout the house, stashed in bowls and the like throughout. And there's lots of glittery gourds, too. Because a girl can't help herself...

Glitter pumpkins & gourds found at Hobby Lobby & Family Dollar

And that's pretty much it! Next week, I'll give you a sneak peak of our Thanksgiving table. I'm SO excited to be hosting this year's feast, as it's the first Turkey Day in our new house. AND my mom and sister just moved to the area over the summer, so the fact that we'll be all together for the first time under one roof is unprecedented. AND since I don't cook (we leave that to Mr. Kuda), the festive atmosphere is just going to have to be where I put my efforts :)

Here's a glimpse of our place setting. And I'm just going to let you know now, I'm not spending more than a few bucks on fabric for napkins. We are going all out on love and using what we have!

Have a great week friends!

xoxo, k.

Giving Thanks {Two}

Yesterday, we went to church. We went to early mass so we could get some things done afterward, as the next few weeks bring with them house guests, birthdays, and the true kick-off to the Holiday Season (despite what the mall suggests to us): Thanksgiving.

We were home by 10 am, and the kids ran around Mr. Kuda while he completed some much needed yard and house work. I *finally* got around to tackling some piles in my office. I vacuumed, I dusted, all while listening to a book on tape and enjoyed some much needed solitude before the craziness of the next few weeks settle in. We planned an early Sunday dinner, and my mom came over. We ate. We relaxed on the couch, basking the ordinary-ness of it all.

Little fragments of thoughts tried to pry their way in to my mind: the decorations I want for my house, the dinner I want to host, the family we should plan. But I was able to keep those thoughts at bay. Because today, in all of its ordinary and normal? It was a great day. There were tantrums and "no!" There were unchecked items on my never endig to do list. But there were life breathed moments that, while ordinary, became extraordinary. Because they were ours.

Sometimes I get so busy trying to make the life I think I should have to be memorable, that I forget to be thankful for the beautiful life set directly in front of me.

Miss E took a nap yesterday. So when I went to do my final rounds before finding my own slumber, I wasn't surprised to hear her sing-songy voice as I approached her door. I can't really remember the specifics of our conversation, but I know she asked to play with my hair, and I know she told me she loved today because all of her family were in the same house. I held up my fingers to take a "memory picture" of her sweet face. When she asked why, I told her that I took a picture in my mind because I wanted to remember this moment with her sweet face forever.

She grinned.

You can do that?

You can do whatever you want with your memories, Em.

She smiled again.

Thankful. For the ordinarily extraordinary. For the normal and mundane. For the expected and routine. Thankful.

**

Sometimes we just get caught up in the details, yes? Regardless of our circumstances, we have so many sweet things to be thankful for. As you take time to look around, what are you thankful for this week?

Give thanks in everything, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

xoxo, k.

Hooking up with some amazing inspiration on this Monday! Head on over!

Giving Thanks {One}

It's November. And my head is spinning from a whirlwind of encouragement and love spread through the month of October. So much so, that I have no idea where to go from here! But I do know this: I will write. I will encourage. And I hope you'll continue with me on my journey.

I'm trying something new (for me) this month. Since I try to hook up with some inspiring folks on Mondays, I'm going to use this, the first day of the week, as a common theme throughout the month. I'll still post some crafty crafts from time to time, but I think it's clear that God's plan is not for me to glorify Him in that way!

This morning, as my brain lay empty in the vast wasteland that some people call "writer's block," I read a verse, and how fitting it was on this first Monday of November:

Everything is for your benefit, so that grace extended through more and more people, may cause thanksgiving to increase God's glory.

2 Corinthians 4:15

Wasn't that exactly what my 31 Days of Encouragement about? It's simple: the more you put in, the more you get out. The more grace extended, the more and more people receive.

Here's the thing about the enemy: He can't stand this. His sole purpose is to separate people. to find a fault then dig his heels deep so that the crevice of negativity, and destroy the power of relationships we have in one another.

How do we stop it?

We give thanks. Even in those who are driving us crazy and have weird personality ticks, we thank our sweet Lord for their presence in our lives. We find the good. We find the light. Darkness can't live in those places. When we seek just the smallest glimmer, the tiniest fractal of light, we defeat the enemy and grace carries on.

Happy Monday, friends!

xoxo, k.