The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

March 5, 2014
Ash Wednesday

I'm not really sure where to start.

The past ten months have been... Busy. Overwhelming. Life-changing. But not in the major life-changing way you might think.

Well, we moved. And built a house. And moved again. And I might have lost a smidgen of my sanity in the process. So maybe it was a major life-changing way you might think. Major.

But here I am. About to go on a limb. I'm about to jump into a place I'm not sure quite where I'll land. I am changed, and in order to continue with my blog I must be transparent.

God told me that we needed to move. And He told me where to go. I have never experienced anything like it. And I was scared to tell anyone. At least anyone who didn't know I believed in God or Jesus Christ. Scared.

Sweaty-palmed, shaking knees, SCARED.

Why? Because some of my friends don't know this about me. That I love the Lord and try to follow, usually quite poorly, in His ways. They might think that I've lost myself, that I've become "judgy" or "preachy," and that I'm not the same Mrs. Kuda that always was. And isn't that sad? My heart has been broken over this, because if they are my friends, won't they love me regardless?

Of course. My one true desire in my life has been for others to see Him in me. It has become glaringly clear that will never happen if I keep hidden the desires of my heart and the true way I want to live from at least half of the people I  know and love! What good is it then?

So before you think I've gone crazy and I'm now receiving messages from the Almighty from high above, let me explain my story...

You know the little feeling you get deep down inside? The one that some call your instinct, or your gut? For me, that's God. And if I don't act on something, and He really wants me to go through with something, that nagging, gut-wrenching feeling doesn't go away. He continues to open door after door after door, leading me to where I know I'm supposed to go. Sometimes I follow it, and sometimes I don't.

What happened to me last year began as a small stirring. We had a 2 year old, and a 3 month old in a small house. We had decided that it was best for me to stay home with the kids, but the reality was that our time was short in our very expensive neighborhood; there was no way we could survive on one income while living the life we were living. Something had to change.

It felt like we looked all over the Eastern Seaboard. Nothing felt right. Until one Sunday morning in April of last year we decided to go to church in a town an hour south of us. How random is that? Our family, who goes to church  maybe once or twice a month, got up on a Sunday, and trucked it down to a random town in the middle of Virginia. All on a "gut" feeling.

And when we got there? Mr. Kuda and I somehow knew it was right for our family. And I can't tell you why, but we made an appointment the next weekend to look at houses. And the next weekend. Each time we went back to visit, the vision of where we were supposed to be became crystal clear. Though we weren't sure of the specific whys of where we were headed, by the end of May we had committed to BUILDING A HOUSE on almost three acres in the middle of nowhere. By August, we had sold our first home as a married couple and moved away from everything we knew in Northern Virginia: our wonderful neighborhood, convenience to a big city, and most importantly, friends who had become family.

Some of you may be thinking, "Kristin. It's an hour south. How different can it be?" Well, if you know Northern Virginia, you know that it may as well be its own nation. It is NOT like the rest of Virginia. At all. More on that another time.

So there I was, with my husband traveling up to the big city for work, me in a rental house with the kids, and in a neighborhood with no other stay at home moms, and God began to work. Despite not knowing a soul in our new town, He began to put people in our lives so we could move on and get our new lives started. I met a random woman in a park who has a house in the neighborhood where we were building. She was also part of a mom's group and has two girls around my kids ages. I joined the mom's group, and in turn found friends, a preschool for Miss E, and countless other ways to keep my sanity. Just about every person we've met has been kind, welcoming, and an answer to every prayer I've prayed over the course of this last year.

All because I listened. I'm sitting here in this amazing house. This amazing gift. The even bigger gift is that I am now able to stay at home with our kids; something I never thought I'd be able to for any length of time, or even really want to do. But here we are: a place I never thought we'd be. If I just accept this gift, and do nothing with it? If receiving this gift does nothing but give me a house and a few years at home with the kids? Isn't life more about the house you live in, your two cars and two children? What if there's more? What if this is beyond you and me, and there is a greater purpose to all of this?

Writing in this blog has always been an outlet for me. I'm not sure why, but during the past year, the other thing I felt led to do was to stop blogging. It was hard... I missed it. I had reached 100 followers! (side note: I am aware that that is pretty much nothing in the blog world, but to me, it was the world! I felt so cool!) But it wasn't true. And if it's not me being me, then why should I share anything at all?

That feeling deep down? It started up again after we were here a few months. It was time to start sharing again; there are stories that need to be told. But if you don't know the me, the real me, then what would be the point of it all? I'd be constantly editing myself and my true beliefs, and that's not real writing. There's no juicy goodness in that.

That leads me to my scared place. This post has been floating in my head for months, but I've been too afraid to write it. Too afraid to say out loud what's been going on inside my head. Too afraid that I'll alienate those I love, offend someone, and more, just putting myself in a vulnerable space I've never been is terrifying. But these stories of my life, of our lives needs to be told. Even if it's just for me to get over my fear of showing my true identity in Christ.

Ah! I just said it! My true identity in Christ. Typing it makes my palms sweat! Because that's where I sit today. My true self lies within Him and the ultimate sacrifice He made for me when He was crucified on the cross. And if He did that for me, and you, and everyone around us, can't I just write a little blog post about my true self? Seems simple, but given the courage I've needed (and lacked) for the better part of 6 months, maybe not so much.

Will you stay with me on this new adventure? Who knows where we'll end up! (Please don't say in another town in some random middle of nowhere state... My heart can't take it again this year!)

Until next time,

Mrs. Kuda