"She has her hands full. She is so busy. I'm sure she doesn't have time for me."
She's gorgeous, has a loving husband, and just a beautiful family. She's a Godly woman, smart and well read, and seems to find time in her day to do things that I only wish I could do. Like sew a dress from scratch and wear it that very same day.
Who does that?
I had the thought to invite her to our small group on Tuesday nights, and those words popped in: "She has her hands full. She is so busy. I'm sure she doesn't have time for me." In the span of 30 seconds, I reduced an acquaintance's own feelings into negative feelings toward myself. I had made her busyness about me! Doing so not only disallowed me to build a deeper relationship with someone whom I could very likely have a great friendship, but it completely eliminated her opinion on the matter.
In effect, I took her rights away, before our friendship began.
Have you been on the other side of this? When I was working full time after our first child, I heard it spoken to me a lot: You're so busy with work and Miss E, otherwise I would have called you over! Or You must be exhausted! You should just rest when you have some down time.
Each time I heard it spoken aloud, my soul was crushed. Was I not good enough? Was I not allowed time with other women because I was too busy? Who gets to decide that?
The thing about deciding another's fate is that we simply don't have that right. We belittle others, thinking we have their best interest at heart, but in reality, we just don't know how other people are getting by.
Invite her over. Say hello with a smile. Usher in a cup of coffee and sit down. Ask questions. We can't truly live in community with one another if we don't take risks, putting ourselves out there. Only then can we dig down deep and find each other right where we are. Newly sewn dress and all.
Stay tuned for Part Two of "Your People" for Day 29! In the mean time, get out there and know people!
xoxo, k.
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Wow...I do the exact same thing! I always feel like people I know won't remember who I am, have time to chat, or want to spend time with me. Where in the world does that come from? Hmm....
ReplyDeleteGreat post, as always!! You're making me think today!
Isn't that awful?? I have to say that 99% of the time I've actually spoken up, it's been totally worth it. The enemy LOVES to feed on our insecurities, eh?
DeleteOh my, this is so good and timely. I'm headed out to a two day conference and need that encouragement to reach out to others and make new connections. I also need it in my daily life, because it's a struggle. Such truth spoken here. "We can't truly live in community with one another if we don't take risks, putting ourselves out there."
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard for me, too, Beth! I'll be praying for you while you're at the conference!
DeleteVery true! Stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet and chase them from your mind; they are stopping us from doing great things.
ReplyDeleteSo true! Thanks for reading :)
DeleteWonderful post! I think we all do this at some point. We should not make this decision for another. May we come to trust God's leading & extend the invitation, letting the other person decide for themselves. Truth right here>>> "We can't truly live in community with one another if we don't take risks, putting ourselves out there."
ReplyDeleteYes! And thank you for your kind words :)
DeleteSo very good, and yes I do this ALL THE TIME!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Melanie!
DeleteYeah, is the mind that raise barriers between people. The heart tell us what to do, but sometimes we overthink everything and we end up doing less than what we want. I was like that long time ago. But I've learned to take chances and go for what I want. It's always better than to live passively.
ReplyDeleteWe really get in our own way, don't we?
Delete"We can't truly live in community with one another if we don't take risks." So true. I, too, have a tendency to not want to "bother" someone who is busy or going through a rough time. It's probably best to offer but to give them an "out" so they don't feel obligated if they truly are exhausted. In various things we have gone through, sometimes we needed fellowship, sometimes we needed solitude, and we couldn't really predict what we'd need when.
ReplyDeleteI definitely try to give an out, too, especially if it's a new mom, or someone with a new anything, really, but at least we offer, right?
DeleteI have 3 children and I hear that a lot. It really hurts my feelings, I know it is unintentioned. I have a lot of solitude due to living in the countryside, so I do appreciate people reaching out to me sometimes.
ReplyDeleteBut I really love this honest post ☺
Thanks so much, Charlotte! Having moved twice in the past year, it's really been those who have reached out to me that have meant so much! Thanks for reading today :)
DeleteI hear that a lot. I have four kids (middle and high school, a very different kind of busy) and I love to sew and paint and write, and I have a horse farm and ride competitively. No one ever completes the invitation..."You must be really busy" gets said a lot. And I am, but I'd love to make time. I think I'm a socially awkward extravert, if that's even possible, and I am terrible at inviting people the first time. I wish I could get over it.
ReplyDeleteCheryl, I totally get what you mean! My hands get all sweaty and I feel like I'm asking a boy to dance in middle school. You're in good company :)
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ReplyDeleteThis is such a true post! In my more recent years, I've stopped making assumptions about that other mom and how busy or full her life must already be...and have taken the first steps in building relationships. It's been so rewarding! We all seek connection and friendship...and as moms, sometimes we need to take the initiative to open ourselves up to others, messy house and all. Thanks, Kate from http://www.seedlingssprouting.com
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing how rewarding it can be? Thanks for reading, Kate!
DeleteSo true. I always tend to think that others are busier than I am, so I don't ask. Or if I do, it's like "I know you're busy, but would you like to ...? If not, that's okay. I understand."
ReplyDeleteRight? Giving an occasional "out" is fine, but I think we can sometimes doom it to start with by putting in all the caveats! Thanks so much for reading, Melissa.
DeletePowerful post. As a single woman I especially have a hard time inviting my friends who are mothers. I try to be more intentional cuz they need breaks too.
ReplyDeleteAwesome, Tara. Thanks for reading!
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